September/October 2000 | Contents

THE AGE FACTOR II:
I'm Gen-X: Hire Me!

Mark Whitaker, Editor
Newsweek
New York, New York

Dear Mr. Whitaker,

Let me get right to the point. Newsweek needs some help. You know it and I know it. First off, you're way behind that other newsmagazine in circulation. And second, who needs to read a newsweekly when you can get all of your news right off the Internet as it happens? So what can you do to fight lagging circulation and fend off the Internet revolution? Well, that's where I come in.

My name is Maurice Timothy Reidy and I am a recent graduate of the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism. I know what you're thinking: "Big deal!" True enough, but as it happens I'm also a hip, irreverent member of that ever-elusive Generation X. What your magazine needs is someone like me to write a witty, occasionally offensive column about whatever the hell I want. I mean, come on, how do you expect to bring in the young readers with George F. Will (snooze!) and Anna Quindlen (shouldn't she be working over a script or something?)

Take a lesson from Time. They give twenty-eight-year-old Joel Stein twice as much space as that old geezer Calvin Trillin. He writes about things young people want to read about -- like getting drunk at weddings or why he hates dogs, not tedious stuff like presidential politics or foreign elections.

As a Newsweek columnist, I could bring some much-needed attitude to the issues of the day. Here are some ideas:

On Campaign 2000

Who will I vote for? Bush or Gore. Who cares? I probably won't vote at all. The real question is: "Who wants to marry a Gore daughter?" I sure do.

On China

Should China have been allowed into the World Trade Organization? What will free trade mean for U.S. workers? While most columnists will be tackling these dull subjects, I'll be addressing the real issues, like where is the best place to get good Chinese? My vote's for Hunan Balcony on Broadway.  

On Elián

The boy's gone back home. Good news for Castro -- bad news for me. No more shots of that sexy cousin of his. Forget the boy, Marisleysis. Give me a call. It's time you hung out with someone your own age.

On Guns and Moms

Two hundred thousand moms storm Washington to protest gun laws. No story there. The real story is with the main Mom at the event: Rosie O'Donnell. Three kids and no husband. So who's the Dad? I hope it's not David Crosby.  

On Global Warming

I really don't get this one. I didn't watch Leo's interview with the president. Maybe I could set up an interview with Leo, though, and ask him if he could get me into Veruka.  

On Hillary's Senate Race

Will she win? Who knows? I'm just waiting for Hillary to host Saturday Night Live. That episode where Rudy hosted was classic -- especially the skit where he dresses up like a woman. Do you think they can get Hillary to dress like a man?

On the Microsoft Breakup

Speaking of breakups, I've been having problems cutting the cord with my girlfriend. Every time I bring the subject up, she gets all upset and well, before you know it, I'm apologizing.

On the Human Genome Project

So we've mapped the human genome. Billions of dollars and decades of research. And are we really any closer to a cure for a bad hangover? Back to the drawing board, guys.

On John McCain

I didn't really follow the whole McCain thing, but I did hear he was a Vietnam vet. So here are my top five Vietnam war movies: Apocalypse Now, Platoon, Casualties of War, Full Metal Jacket, and Forrest Gump (a stretch, I know, but what a soundtrack!).

Clips and résumé are not included since I haven't had time to put a résumé together and I don't really have any clips. But as I see it, you don't really need any journalism experience to write a column like this. Just ask Joel Stein. "Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am a real journalist . . . ," he recently told The New York Times. "I feel like I am, well, whatever we all are now: I am a celebrity journalist." A celebrity journalist. That's what you need. And I'm your man. Call me at home at (860) 344-1941. I have a pretty cool answering machine message.

Regards,

Maurice Timothy Reidy

Maurice Timothy Reidy, a former editorial assistant at Commonweal magazine, wrote this hypothetical letter before being hired by the young-thinking Hartford Courant.